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CULTIVATED CONNECTIONS | Fearful Darling

November 16, 2017

To the ones that have ever lost one dear to their heart.

 

There are many things that we rarely confess about losing someone or something that held a special place in our heart. For me, it was a parent. It was the person that had my back for 22 years of life, the one that I was connected to by heart, soul, and blood. And, the one that knew me better than I knew myself. The one I saw live a very short but kick ass life. The irreplaceable spirit that still lives but takes time and mindfulness to continue to feel. 

 

We create these moments in our minds that allow us to ease the pain when really, we should express what is inside.  After the first year of the passing of my father, I consumed my life with activities that kept me busy and things that did not allow me to feel. Without realizing, this was because I was tremendously afraid to feel what was inside of me. I was afraid to let anything or anyone touch my heart. Though, as time passed, I started to battle against myself internally. I was fighting against a life that I created on the outside which was preventing me from thinking about what I was feeling on the inside. Make sense yet? I still am learning to adjust to it. 

 

I spent every morning waking up not thinking of him and going to sleep every night forgetting to think about him. How could I possibly live everyday like this? I was terrified of what was inside of me. I wouldn’t talk to my family or friends, the ones I loved most. I would associate with strangers and estranged experiences that allowed me to keep busy every day without coming close to touching my heart. 

 

I finally woke up though. I woke up to realize that it is okay to feel. It is okay to cry. It is okay to look at pictures and really just f***ing let it out. There is nothing wrong with it. I still go through denial, and I still get angry, and I still question why. The answers are unknown and they forever will be. Though, now, I have learned to do things that remind me of him and live the way he lived because that is what is inside me.

 

What you will learn:

For me, I lost friends. It was my fault though, I pushed away people I was close with and created a wall. I was scared to hold on to things that I loved to then be let down. This was a battle that I had been fighting. By the time of his passing, I was overly exhausted and chose to put myself in a place that didn’t take up a lot of room in my heart but rather keep me busy. Some people could understand this hard place, and some friends chose to walk away. It broke my heart. Either way, I was fighting a battle on both ends. What you realize is that some people choose to stick with you and some people choose to move on. And that is okay. In the end, everything is okay. We all go through heart breaks in life, just all different kinds. And, some teach you different lessons than others.

 

Point is, it is okay to feel. 

 

 

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